Miracle In March Page 18

  ‘James,’ she breathed as his face came close again. ‘I’m scared.’

  He grasped her arms. ‘Don’t be.’

  She shook her head. ‘I can’t do it. Not now. What if my cancer comes back, like it did for Maggie?’

  ‘Wait, who’s Maggie?’

  ‘A woman at the yoga class. Hers came back and now she’s gone. What if that happens to me? I can’t put you through that, and definitely not Jackson. He needs stability.’

  James dropped his hands and his jaw stiffened. ‘You’re in remission. There’s every chance it will stay that way. And anyway, no one’s life is guaranteed. I could die tomorrow, but we can’t live in fear of what might happen.’

  ‘James, don’t say that.’ She turned away and pushed the idea from her mind.

  ‘You can’t plan for every contingency, you just have to go with what feels right and deal with whatever comes up.’

  ‘I lived with uncertainty for too long, I need some certainty for a while, James.’

  He turned away and kicked a twig on the sand. When he turned back his demeanour had changed. She’d pushed him away. ‘I think what you’re really scared of is the responsibility. It’s not just me now, it’s me and Jackson. He’s not going to grow up and be independent like other kids. My life, our life, it’s a serious commitment. That’s what you’re worried about, isn’t it?’

  ‘What? James, no.’ She was the one stepping forward now. ‘Jackson’s a beautiful child, he’s a gift. I’m not worried about that.’

  As she spoke, a tightness gripped her from the inside. Was he right? Were the travel and cancer issues a mask for the real issue: that she didn’t feel cut out to be Jackson’s mother? A wave of nausea rolled through her. Oh God. She held her stomach. The reminder was constant. The emptiness within screamed, ‘Can’t you take a hint?’ She hated that although she was great with kids, somehow deep inside she was convinced she wasn’t meant to be a mother.

  ‘But teaching children is a lot different to parenting one,’ James said. ‘It’s ongoing, you can’t just leave the hard stuff to the parents when you’re done for the day. You have to deal with the challenges head on, there’s no easy way around it.’

  Ouch. It felt like he was the one saying she couldn’t do it, that she wasn’t good enough for this kind of responsibility. She crossed her arms.

  ‘I’ve hit a nerve, haven’t I. That’s it. You still have feelings for me but you don’t want the responsibility I come with.’ He crossed his arms to match.

  She stayed silent.

  ‘I knew it.’ He raised his hands and let them fall to his side.

  ‘James, it’s just, I just…I need to have some freedom for a while. I need to get away and see the world, do something for myself. It doesn’t mean I’m afraid of responsibility, I think it might simply be a timing thing.’

  James shook his head. His phone beeped and he looked at the screen. ‘Jackson’s having a night terror. I have to go.’

  ‘A night terror, is he okay?’ She approached him but James held up his hand in front of her like a force field, holding her back.

  ‘It’s my responsibility, not yours. I need to go. You don’t have to worry about a thing and you never will.’ He turned around and walked.

  ‘James, I’m sorry. Please, can we talk later?’

  He spun around. ‘You know what? Maybe I will go to Queensland after all.’ And he turned back again and walked up the hill towards his cabin, back to the life he’d built for himself and himself alone.

  Chapter 19

  ‘It’s so good to see you!’ Jen wrapped her arms around Emma as she arrived at the party.

  Emma held on tight and didn’t want to let go. ‘You too, you too.’

  ‘Hey, I know I’m irresistible, but why the extra affection?’ She winked as Emma reluctantly released her friend.

  ‘I’ve missed you,’ she said.

  Jen leaned in close, as other guests mingled around them. ‘Everything okay in James Land?’ she whispered.

  Emma flicked her hand. ‘Oh, nothing I can’t handle. So, here’s your present. Happy birthday!’

  Jen took the small box and envelope. ‘Thanks! But let’s talk later on, yeah?’

  ‘Yeah.’ She nodded.

  ‘For those who don’t know, this is my fabulous friend and ex-roomie, Emma!’ Jen waved a flourished hand in front of her to present her to the crowd. Emma greeted a few people she already knew, and others introduced themselves.

  This is what she needed, a fresh crowd and a bit of anonymity. Travel would give her that too. A place where no one knew her, and she could start with a clean slate without pity. New Emma. Healthy Emma. No One Knows My Past Emma.

  A flute of champagne found its way into her hand and she sipped it eagerly. Better to get it in early before the drive back to Tarrin’s Bay in the afternoon. Jen placed the present on the gift table but Emma placed a hand on her arm. ‘Open it now.’

  Jen’s eyes narrowed with curious anticipation. ‘Hmm, okay. Why not?’

  While others chatted and ate and laughed, Jen slipped her finger under the pink and purple paisley design paper and withdrew a small silver box. ‘Oooh, what is it?’ Jen opened the box and lifted out the necklace with multicoloured glass beaded pendant Emma had bought from the Tarrin’s Bay markets recently. ‘Oh wow, it’s gorgeous! Thanks, hun.’ She kissed Emma’s cheek and slipped the necklace around her neck, securing it at the back.

  ‘I thought of you when I saw it. And look.’ She turned the pendant over and showed Jen the engraving: Thanks a million.

  Jen’s eyes shone. It was a saying she always said, and now it was Emma’s turn to say it. ‘I couldn’t have gotten through the last few years without you,’ Emma said. Gratitude softened her heart and moistened her eyes.

  Jen hugged her again. ‘It’s been an absolute honour.’ This time Jen didn’t let go right away.

  ‘I guess I’m irresistible too, huh?’ Emma laughed.

  Jen pulled back and smiled. ‘Of course. And I bet I’m not the only one who thinks so.’ She tilted her head in a way that said, ‘I expect a full detailed synopsis of the current situation later please’.

  Emma wasn’t too sure James would think that way now after her hot-cold performance from last night. She was glad to get away today, but regretted the way things had turned out between them. She didn’t blame him if he did move to Queensland and forget all about her for the sake of avoiding riding in an emotional rollercoaster.

  ‘Oops, I forgot that it’s polite to open the card first.’ Jen picked up the envelope and opened it. It was a handmade card with a drawing of two deck chairs overlooking the ocean. Inside it said: Saving you a spot. Happy Birthday. ‘Wow, that’s beautiful. Your handiwork, I take it?’

  Emma nodded with a modest shrug.

  Jen shook her head and smiled. ‘You really should put all your drawings together into a book or something. I could flip through them for hours.’

  Emma smiled. ‘Someone else told me the same thing.’

  ‘Oh? A certain someone?’

  ‘Yes. But we won’t get into that now. I’m starved, I think I’m going to grab one of those curry puffs.’ Emma walked over to the smorgasbord of party food and popped one in her mouth before she blurted out everything on her mind. This wasn’t the time to talk about her dramas, it was time for Jen to enjoy her special day.

  And enjoy she did, because by the time everyone had eaten more food than was necessary and emptied multiple champagne bottles, Jen’s boyfriend Sean gave a speech that would have any woman wishing she was the one he was talking about.

  Jen’s hand was glued to her chest, over her heart, at his words. Guests ‘awwed’ and cast smiling glances towards the lucky woman. And when Jen looked like she was about to walk up and give him a hearty thank you kiss, he came over to her and dropped to one knee.

  ‘Oh my God.’ Jen froze, her mouth gaping.

  Emma’s hand flew to her mouth. She had no idea he was planning this, she’d
always thought he was a go with the flow kind of guy who never planned ahead.

  ‘Will you marry me?’ he asked, his eyes looking lovingly up at her, while Jen’s eyes became glossy.

  ‘After that speech, how can I not?’ She got onto her knees as well. ‘Yes. Yes!’ She laughed and cried and kissed him, wrapped her arms around him, and eventually they ended up collapsing onto the floor in an ecstatic, tangled heap.

  ‘C’mon you two, there’ll be time for that later!’ someone called out, along with a few wolf-whistles.

  They helped each other up, grins wide. ‘You might be wondering why I don’t have a ring for Jen,’ Sean said to the crowd. ‘I’m taking her out this week to choose one. I knew my Jen would like something unique and I want her to be a part of the choice.’ He looked back at his fiancée and smiled.

  ‘He knows me too well!’ Jen said.

  Emma’s heart overflowed with happiness for her friend, and for a brief moment a thought flashed through her mind…

  James would know which ring to get me.

  He knew her too well also. She imagined it would be a simple, solitaire engagement ring, white gold. Nothing fancy, just a pure representation of love and commitment.

  Emma drank the last of her champagne in one giant scull. Why was she even thinking such things? She was just caught up in the moment and being silly. She tried to forget about James and went over to congratulate the happy couple.

  ‘Did you know?’ Jen asked Emma.

  ‘Nope. Had us all fooled!’

  ‘I’m good at keeping secrets,’ Sean replied. ‘So you know, if you have anything you want to tell me, Emma, I’m good for it.’ He nudged her and winked. ‘Though I can’t promise anything after I have another drink.’ He accepted a flute, along with Jen, for a congratulatory toast.

  Oh no, there’d be no more secret telling. Emma had had enough of them. Now that she’d finally told James what had happened to her all those years ago, despite the current conflict between them both, she couldn’t believe how much better she felt. From now on, there’d be no more secrets. She’d already told him she was scared, that she still had fear of the cancer returning, and that she wanted to go overseas. Everything was out in the messy open and no amount of tidying could put things back where they came from. Whatever happened now she would just have to deal with, and she knew she could. She’d beaten the Big C; she could handle whatever life threw at her next.

  Empowered by the moment, Emma weaved through the crowd and went outside on the patio, breathing in the delicious afternoon air and filling herself with strength about her new life plans. A child bumped into her legs as he scurried past, being chased by another child, and she simply smiled as she watched them play.

  ‘Huh,’ she said out loud, surprised by her detachment. She didn’t feel that pang of longing or jealousy, that ‘oh how cute, I wish I had one’ thought. She didn’t feel anything, except a slight ache in her leg from the collision.

  She could have a good life without a child in it. She knew she could certainly adopt, foster even, but right now, for the first time, she felt that if even if it never happened, she’d be okay. Her life would still be fulfilling. A smile eased onto her lips and she took another deep breath, acknowledging the moment of realisation.

  ‘Sneaking out for a smoke?’

  Emma turned to see Jen standing next to her. She laughed. ‘As if.’

  ‘Look, I have a temporary engagement ring.’ Jen held up her left hand.

  ‘Classy. And versatile.’ Emma smiled and nodded at the line drawn on with a pen, complete with a large diamond shape.

  ‘I know, right? I can add an extra diamond whenever I want, or change the colour. It’s really quite practical.’ She giggled. ‘Anyway, I want to hear about what’s going on with you. Quick, while Sean is telling everyone the list of daggy songs he’s going to choose for our wedding dance floor party.’

  ‘Can’t wait for the big day, when do you think it will be?’

  ‘Early next year, I think.’

  ‘Well, even if I’m overseas before that, I’ll make a trip back just for you. I’m not missing your special day.’

  ‘Good, because you’re my bridesmaid.’ Jen grinned.

  ‘I am?’

  ‘Whether you like it or not.’ She draped her arm around Emma.

  ‘Then it’s a date.’ They shook hands. ‘Just don’t choose a frilly, puffy-sleeved, lemon-coloured dress for me or anything.’

  ‘I wouldn’t dream of it,’ Jen said. ‘I’ll make it peach-coloured instead.’ She winked. ‘Now, hang on. So you have decided to continue with your travel plans?’ she asked.

  ‘Yep. And Mum and Dad know now, about what I was planning. But I’ll still wait till things are sorted with the cabins.’

  ‘I’m glad. You need this. Have you told James?’

  Emma nodded, and glanced at the wind chimes that jingled in the breeze as they hung from the patio roof, as though signalling a change in the direction of their conversation.

  ‘And?’

  ‘It’s okay, we can talk when your birthday is over. You should be talking to your guests.’ Emma turned to the patio door but Jen stopped her.

  ‘You are my guest, and right now I want to talk to you. Besides, doesn’t James leave tomorrow?’

  Emma nodded.

  ‘Then this is a conversational emergency! Spill it all. Now.’ She sat at an outdoor table setting for two and Emma took the other seat.

  Emma sighed. ‘Okay, where to start… Um, things were going well until last night,’ she said. ‘I’ve probably stuffed things up for good.’

  ‘Oh no, what happened?’ Jen leaned forward on the table.

  ‘I told him I’m going overseas and that I don’t know how long I’ll be or what I’ll do when I return, so in other words: I can’t commit to anything and haven’t made up my mind.’ Emma lowered her head.

  ‘And had he made up his mind?’

  Emma nodded tentatively. ‘He thinks it’s worth another shot.’

  Jen sighed. ‘Oh dear. It took you so long to come to terms with leaving him and now he’s back, willing and able to be in your life and you’re virtually pushing him away?’

  ‘Hey, I’m not pushing him, just telling him what my plans are. Anyway, he thinks I’m scared of the responsibility of Jackson.’

  ‘Are you?’

  Emma twisted her lips to the side. ‘I started to wonder if I was on some deep level, that maybe, because of the hysterectomy, I wasn’t supposed to be a mother. Part of me still feels like that, but when I think about Jackson, I’m not scared. I’m so fond of him, and I find myself thinking of ways I can help. The idea of him being in my life too doesn’t trigger the apprehension I thought it might.’

  Jen rested her elbows on the table and clasped her hands together. ‘First of all, the cancer, the hysterectomy, it happened because it happened. It doesn’t mean anything; it’s not some cosmic sign that you’re not cut out to be a mum, that’s a load of absolute crap. Forget that now, you hear me?’

  Emma shrugged.

  ‘Secondly, despite the challenges of having Jackson in your life, I actually think you’d be in your element. James is just trying to protect himself by suggesting you’re scared. He wants to give you a reason to back out now instead of once you’re in the relationship. He doesn’t want to be abandoned again.’

  ‘Maybe I’m worried I will abandon him again. Either by choice or…the alternative.’ Emma swallowed a lump in her throat.

  ‘Hey, don’t even think about that. You’re well, and you’re staying well, don’t give any space in your mind for anything other than that.’ Jen grasped Emma’s hand and squeezed it.

  ‘I know. I’m trying. And I’m feeling positive.’ She smiled.

  ‘Good girl. Anyway, so what led to having this talk, did he bring up the subject?’

  Emma scratched her head and dropped her gaze from Jen’s. ‘Um, it sort of started with a kiss.’

  ‘You’ve kissed again?’
<
br />   Emma bit a tiny smile forming on her lips. ‘Big time.’

  ‘Hang on, shouldn’t that have led to something else instead of what you just described?’

  Emma’s mind rewound back to the scene on the beach, and instead of stopping the kiss, she saw herself walking hand in hand with James back to her cottage. ‘Exactly, which is why I stopped it.’

  ‘Oh, Em.’ Jen shook her head. ‘Why the hesitation and indecision? Are you worried you will meet someone overseas and prefer them over James, and therefore have to let him down again?’

  Emma thought about the possibility. A romance in France, an affair in Tuscany…it all sounded so movie-like, wonderful, and amazing, but not…real.

  Emma breathed deeply. ‘The thing is, I don’t think I want to meet anyone else.’

  ‘Emma. Did you tell him that?’ She raised her eyebrows.

  ‘No.’ She breathed out with a whoosh. ‘I only just realised it.’

  ‘Oh Geez! Hun, you obviously still love him. You need to tell him.’ Jen patted Emma’s hand.

  ‘But still, what if I say that and then get back from travelling and I’ve changed and we no longer suit each other or something?’

  ‘What if, what if, what if…here’s a what if: what if you come back and feel the same or even more in love with him and you’ve missed your chance? Ever think about that?’

  Emma straightened up and adjusted her top as the strap dug into her shoulder. That would be worse. Much worse.

  ‘Sometimes you’ve just got to make a decision and stick with it, trust it. Make it work.’ Jen leaned closer. ‘What does your heart tell you? Right now?’

  ‘I think it —’

  ‘No, not I think, I feel.’

  ‘Okay, I feel like…that…’ She buried her face in her hands as she leant her elbows on the mosaic table. ‘That I can’t imagine living my life without him. That I love him more than I’ve loved anyone. That I just want all the fears to go away so I can dive right in and be with him, make it up to him, love him.’ Emma’s hands moved about as she spoke, as though her feelings were overflowing and her words weren’t enough to express them.