Miracle In March Page 11

  ‘Oh, James.’ She touched his arm and he felt the water transfer to her fingers.

  Her softness made him stiffen. He didn’t want comfort, he just wanted to let a few thoughts out of his head. ‘Ah, but he’s a good kid. I guess there’ll just be different types of experiences to enjoy with him.’

  ‘True, but there’s nothing wrong with feeling sad about what might have been. Believe me, I’ve been there, in my own way.’

  Of course. She got it. She knew what it was like to have grand ideas of how life would be, only to have life turn things upside down and give you something you didn’t expect.

  James didn’t know how to respond. When he was about to change the subject and comment on the beautiful weather, she lightly cupped his elbow. ‘C’mon,’ she said.

  He drew his eyebrows together in curiosity. ‘What are we doing?’

  ‘We’re going to make a sandcastle.’ She grinned. She placed her bag on the ground, rolled up her pants and sat, then gathered up clumps of sand. ‘Well c’mon, give me a helping hand.’ A smile tweaked at the corner of his lips at her teacher-like voice. ‘I want to check out your construction skills.’

  ‘I don’t think they’ll be as good as the guys you have working for you.’ He cocked his head towards the new cabins.

  ‘Bob and the team? I bet you can outdo them when it comes to sandcastles.’

  He laughed and knelt on the sand. ‘Bob? And he’s a builder?’

  ‘Yep, and quite proud of the association with the children’s character.’ Emma patted the clump of sand in front of her.

  James pressed the sides of the clump together, forming walls. ‘Let’s go for a square shape.’ He flattened the sides into corners, while Emma worked on the other side of the clump.

  ‘Triple decker?’ she asked, adding another clump on top.

  ‘For sure.’

  They formed a square shape on the second level then James gathered up a pile of wet sand for the third level. They pressed and patted, smoothed and sculpted. While working on the top level their fingers brushed against each other, speckled with grains of sand.

  Emma took her hands away. ‘You do the top.’

  He finished the top of the sandcastle, then ran his finger around the perimeter of the bottom level. ‘We have to have a moat, right?’

  ‘Every good sandcastle needs a moat.’ Emma drew a door shape into the side of the castle, then added a flat stick to be the drawbridge.

  They scooped out sand from the tops of each level, making a floor and walls. James became lost in the moment; the satisfying warmth of the sand on his hands, moulding to his touch, felt therapeutic. So he wasn’t doing this with Jackson, but he never thought he’d be making a sandcastle with Emma. The kindness of her initiative added to the warmth spreading inside him.

  ‘You’re doing a good job, James.’

  ‘Thanks, what can I say?’ He held up his hands in front of the sandcastle.

  Emma smiled. ‘I mean, with Jackson. You’re a good dad.’

  Oh. He swallowed. ‘You can tell, just from a few days?’

  ‘I’ve met a lot of parents, observed their kids. You’re doing great. Trust me.’

  He bit his lip. Was he really? He still couldn’t budge the feeling that there was always more he could be doing. Not a week went by when he didn’t do some sort of internet search on the latest autism research, or chat to other parents about what was working for them.

  ‘Thanks Emma, that’s nice of you to say.’ He focused on one wall of the castle and took extra care to sculpt it into perfect shape. He watched as Emma did the same, and he wondered what it would have been like, what it would be like, if Jackson had a female around. Would things have been different if Jackson’s mother had stayed? Or maybe they would be worse. He was glad in a way that he didn’t have to share custody, didn’t have to move Jackson from house to house or only see him on alternate weekends. He was one parent, the only carer for his son. ‘Sometimes I feel like I have to be both father and mother for him. Like I have to give him double the love, because his mother didn’t want him.’

  James stopped and looked up. Did he say that out loud? He’d been so lost in his thoughts he hadn’t noticed till the sound of his own voice in the open air had hit his eardrums.

  He glanced down and Emma had stopped too, was looking right at him. ‘You only have to be you. I think the love you have for him is more than enough.’

  God, he wanted to take her hands in his and bring them to his lips. He wanted to wrap her in his arms again like he’d done that night she’d told him her secret. Bizarre, how only a few days ago, he didn’t want to be anywhere near her.

  ‘Can I ask, what happened to his mother?’ Emma squinted as though her question might sting.

  A few days ago he would have said, ‘It’s none of your goddamn business’, but now, being in nature with the sandcastle between them and acting as a strange kind of safety barrier, he wanted to tell her. He wanted to let out his secret too. Something he’d never even told his parents. They knew what happened to Jackson’s mother, but they didn’t know the whole story. He’d never told anyone.

  James placed a shell on the top of the castle, positioning it like a satellite, ready to pick up and transmit all his secrets to her.

  ‘She’s currently overseas. Working in musical theatre.’ That was the easy part. But the memory, the what if that crossed his mind whenever he thought about the past always made him queasy. ‘She chose her career over her son. She wanted an abortion.’

  Emma flinched.

  He knew it would trigger her. When she had so desperately wanted a child of her own, knowing someone would have willingly given up the gift they’d received was bound to rattle her.

  Just like it had rattled him…

  New Years Day, of all days, was the day James’ life changed yet again. Nursing a mild hangover from the previous night’s celebrations, he’d woken to a text message from Stacey.

  It wasn’t a Happy New Year. Or Thanks for that night we shared last month, if you ever want to hook up again let me know. Nope. It was a simple but profound message, straight to the point:

  James, I’m pregnant. It’s yours. Don’t worry, I’ll deal with it.

  Pregnant? Deal with it? What did she mean by that, that she would raise the child on her own or that she would…

  No.

  No way.

  He called her straight away. ‘We need to talk about this.’

  ‘There’s nothing to talk about, I’m not having the baby.’

  The baby. Not hers, or his, or theirs, but the. Like their child was some minor nuisance she could just cast aside.

  He convinced her to meet him in person to at least discuss the options, but her crossed arms, tight lips, and tired eyes told him it would be akin to convincing a jury to convict an innocent man.

  ‘It’s my baby too,’ he pleaded. ‘You can’t just get rid of it without consulting me.’

  ‘I had the decency to at least tell you. I could have just had the abortion and never told you, but no. I thought you at least had a right to know.’

  ‘And I have a right to decide, too.’

  ‘It’s my body. And my job depends on my body. This is my big break, I can’t do the role with a big belly.’

  ‘It’s only temporary, you can still do the role for a couple of months until you start showing, then your understudy can take over, and by then you would have performed a lot of shows and your name will be out there.’

  She sighed. ‘You don’t understand.’

  James glared at her. ‘Oh I understand alright. You’re about to deny life to the child I’m willing to be a father to. How is that fair?’

  ‘What, James, you think we’re just going to play happy families? I made a mistake. We made a mistake. Let’s just get it over with and move on, back to our own lives.’

  His life. Without Emma. And without the child who he’d helped bring to life. It didn’t seem right. Especially after he’d seen what his s
ister had gone through over the last three years trying to get pregnant. Not to mention the miscarriage. Who knew if Lizzie would ever be able to become a mother?

  ‘We don’t have to play happy families. You go, live your dream life. I’ll take full custody.’

  She laughed, which only riled him more. ‘What? You think I can’t do it? Because I can. And I will.’

  ‘James, James, you’re a successful corporate man. A baby will have you falling down that ladder of success faster than you can say “objection!”’

  He loved his career. But there was always this nagging feeling that something was missing. There was something more out there, waiting for him, even if Emma would never be a part of it.

  ‘So you’re not prepared to make a few sacrifices for what, seven months, to give a little kid a chance at a life?’

  ‘It’s not a little kid, it’s barely the size of my fingernail. It’s a foetus, James. It’s not fully developed. It’s not like it’ll feel anything.’

  Heat burned his throat and chest. ‘How can you be so insensitive?’ he fumed. ‘I’m all for women doing what they feel is right for themselves, but not when the other person involved doesn’t get a say. Yes, we made a mistake. And we have to deal with the consequences of that mistake, not pretend it never happened. That’s what adults do, they suck it up and deal with the consequences. Grow up, Stacey.’

  She turned away and waved her hand. ‘I don’t have to listen to this. I’m outta here.’

  ‘No, wait!’ He grasped her arm. Appealing to her human nature wasn’t going to work, she only cared about herself.

  There was only one thing he could do…

  ‘So how did you convince her to have the baby?’ Emma asked.

  James’ jaw tightened and he wiped sand off his hands and stood, the sun burning into his bare back. He turned around to look at the water, knowing that every drop in the ocean was vital to the whole, every drop deserved to be there, just like every new life was part of the big wide world. He turned back to face Emma who now stood in front of him.

  ‘I’m ashamed of what I had to do.’ He lowered his head.

  ‘You can tell me.’

  He looked into her eyes and saw nothing but understanding and…love?

  ‘I paid her off, Em. I bribed her. Money in exchange for my son’s life.’ He sat on the sand and rested his elbows on his knees. He gazed out at the vast body of water rolling and tumbling onto the shore, just like the memory of that day when he hadn’t been sure if the life he’d helped create, even though unplanned, could be taken away from him without his consent.

  Emma sat quietly next to him, matching his position, her elbow brushing against his. ‘You did what you had to do to save your son’s life. There’s no shame in that.’

  He was glad they were both looking at the ocean; eye contact right now would be difficult as his eyes became hot and moist.

  ‘The whole time, I was worried she’d take the money and run, get rid of…have the procedure. It was only when Jackson was placed into my arms for the first time that I really felt secure in the fact that I was a father.’

  ‘It must have been a difficult few months.’

  ‘It was, and highly unconventional, to say the least.’ He picked up a bit of sand and let it run through his fingers. ‘I made her sign an agreement. As security. She would have the baby and take care of her health, and I would pay her more than she was getting for the show she was performing in. She sacrificed the chance of being asked back to do another season, knowing they could just take the understudy again, but she got it. She got right back into work after he was born, got into the Melbourne season of the show, like her stint in Sydney had been a brief flash in time. Like it never happened.’

  ‘I’m sure, deep down, it was hard for her. I’m sure she felt some connection to the baby.’

  James glanced at Emma. ‘I thought she might too, but really, I doubt she did. She was detached the whole time, as though it was just another role she had to play. When it was over, she moved on.’

  Emma’s warm hand rested on his arm, gritty sand tickling his skin. ‘I’m sorry, for my part in this. If I had been honest with you from the start, this would have never —’

  ‘Emma, don’t. Don’t do “what ifs”. Yeah you’re right, if you hadn’t left, I would probably never have met her, and definitely wouldn’t have had a one night stand with her. But she gave me Jackson. And despite his challenges, you know what?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I wouldn’t want any other child but him.’

  Emma’s chest rose with a quick breath, and she threaded her fingers together as her elbows rested on her knees.

  ‘The only thing I ever wished was that you were his mother.’ James swivelled towards her, took her hand in his. It trembled, and he steadied it with a rub of his thumb.

  Their gaze broke and she looked at the ground. ‘After the operation, I started believing that maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mother, and that’s why it happened. It was fate’s way of telling me “forget it, girl, this gig ain’t for you”. I spent so long convinced of that fact, but now…’ she looked back into his eyes. ‘Now, I ache to feel that kind of love for a child. To be a parent. I still want it, I just don’t know if it will be the same. Can I love someone else’s child as much as I would have loved my own?’

  ‘Of course you would. Parenting is more than genes. Stacey is proof of that. She carried the child for nine months and feels nothing. But you, you feel. You feel for everyone, You’re the most loving, kind-hearted person I know.’ He ran his finger across her cheek, hot from the sun.

  She took her cap off and placed it on the sand, then checked her watch. ‘I have to go back soon.’

  Had he gone too far? He hoped she didn’t think he was trying to find a mother for Jackson, he only meant that she would be a great mother to anyone.

  ‘Do you have to get back to Jackson?’

  ‘Soon. But I’m going to have one more swim.’ James got up and stretched. Maybe the deep and meaningful was over. Emma stood and walked with him to the shoreline. ‘Well, enjoy. I guess I’ll head back.’ She gestured over her shoulder.

  He wanted to see her smiling face again, wanted to lift her spirits. ‘You mean you’re not coming in with me?’

  She raised her eyebrows. ‘I’m in work clothes, I —’

  James kicked at the wave rolling into the shore and splashed her with water.

  ‘Hey!’ she stepped back.

  ‘What? It’s only water, it’ll dry.’ He splashed her again.

  A vengeful smile transformed her face and she kicked the water and splashed him back.

  ‘Oh c’mon, is that all you’ve got?’ He splashed her again and she held out her hands and turned her head as water landed on her face.

  She stepped into the water, her rolled-up pants tinged with dark patches at the hem, then reached down and lifted a large splash onto his face. ‘Take that, hot-shot.’ She grinned.

  ‘Hot-shot? I’ll give you hot-shot.’ He slid one arm behind her back and one under her knees, lifting her off the ground.

  She squealed. ‘Put me down!’

  He ignored her plea, waded into the water.

  ‘James! I’m in my work clothes!’

  ‘I’m sure you have a spare outfit to change into.’

  ‘But why would I —’

  He released his hands. Splash! She dropped into the water, flailing about and squealing. ‘Oh you!’ She got up and charged at him, pushing him backwards into the water, her body falling with his.

  ‘Now you’re just causing trouble for yourself!’ He laughed.

  She splashed more water on top of him.

  ‘Ah, so refreshing, Thank you.’ He basked in the salt water as it splashed and sprayed around him. Emma gave him a slap on the arm.

  ‘Be honest, you’re having fun, right?’

  She narrowed her eyes, but her smile gave him her answer. ‘I didn’t even bring a towel, I’ll have to walk back to the offic
e a sopping wet mess!’

  ‘I’ve got one.’ James gestured to the shore. ‘But only one. You’ll have to fight me for it.’

  They stood face to face in the waist-deep water, eyes glaring, until Emma eyed the towel up on the sand, then made a dash for it. James chased, lifting his knees high to manoeuvre out of the water, laughing and running with her across the sand.

  He got to it first and held it up in the air. ‘First in, best dressed!’

  ‘Hand it over, JJ,’ she said, and they paused for a moment.

  That’s what she used to call him.

  ‘Sorry,’ he teased, wrapping the towel around his back.

  ‘I know some karate.’ She raised her arms and one leg in a fighting position, ready to pounce, and he laughed. He bet she didn’t really know karate, but then again, who knew what else had happened in the last five years.

  He ran his gaze over her glossy face, hair stuck to her neck, and her wet clothes moulded to her curves. She was beyond beautiful, and as she stood there in Karate Kid pose, utterly adorable.

  James opened up the towel so that it spread out behind him like wings. ‘There’s room for two in here.’ He stepped close to her.

  She stiffened, hesitated, and he worried he’d gone too far. But then she stepped closer and he wrapped his arms and the towel around her, pulling her close to his body so that the towel completely enveloped them like a cocoon. What surprised him was that instead of taking the towel from him, she slid her arms around his wet back, under the towel, and hugged him. He moved the towel across her back and rubbed at her wet shirt, her hair, and touched the corner of the towel to her cheek. Then he unwrapped the towel from his body and wrapped it completely around her. ‘Take it. I’ve got another one at the cabin.’

  Emma held the edges of the towel underneath her chin as she smiled, stepped backwards a few steps, then turned away to walk back to work.

  He realised in that moment that, unlike the towel, there was only one Emma. And he would like nothing more than to have her wrapped around him.

  Chapter 13